values...ideals....sabbatical

It’s been hard to update the blog over the past 6+ years for a variety of reasons. One is that I didn’t feel much inspired by a life in administration. It was interesting to learn the administrative side of this organization, the “behind-the-scenes”, the parts of the group that made it possible for me (and continues to make it possible for many others) to do what we are being sent to do. That being said, though, there hasn’t been much to really write about.

Another major reason is that so much has been going on in the world. As soon as I started to write something over the past few years, suddenly there was something that came up in the world (often on a daily basis, it seemed), and what I saw in our US politics/social structures made whatever I was writing about seem so trivial. As a result, I’ve put many started updates aside over the past years and have dwelt in a place that feels a bit stunned, disappointed, distracted and, at times, angry. I’ve remained shocked that roughly half our country (give or take 3 million) support the direction our country is going/has gone over the past 4 years. I remain disbelieving that so many “Christians” support such un-Christian (and un-American, un-human) values that are being put forth – where is the love of neighbor, of the stranger, of the immigrant? People claim that is what they believe and they go to sing about it on Sundays, but then go home to live and react out of fear – not out of the love they are professing and singing about. I’ve been struggling to grasp some understanding of this. A year or so after the election, I asked some friends/family in the US if this was “normal” – to have the president in the news daily, spouting so many idiotic and hate-filled messages and receiving constant coverage – or, was I just in an environment now (having constant internet access and electricity) that it was possible for me to be more aware of things.

There has been such a constant barrage from someone who seems to want to stoke fear and hatred of the unknown, of strangers, of people who are different in some way… it was hard to absorb and process what was happening….but, finally I have had a bit of time to think through and process some of it - - to get thoughts together and I feel the need, some inspiration and even an obligation to write something. If I stay silent, what does that say about my values?

Last year, a few months before finishing my time in Rome, I asked our “superiors” if I could have a sabbatical. As usual, now that my current assignment had been completed, I wanted time and distance to figure out if staying with them is still the direction for me. I also wanted some time to talk with people I care about (in and out of the organization), some time alone, some time to camp, pray, etc. I gave my plan for the sabbatical, which included visits to some of the other countries with our organization and with people I’ve come to know over the past years – both laity and priests – as well as visits to family and friends, some of whom I haven’t seen for many years. I had some extended camping I planned to do. I also included a request to have some time in the Holy Land for a course and/or retreat, to explore some things in a structured way. I wanted to do this and I felt it was expected as part of a sabbatical – something structured with someone to discuss and reflect upon things. My sabbatical request was accepted, for which I am very grateful.

I began in January by visiting some of the countries and people I’ve come to know, including some time with friends I haven’t seen in about 20 years – hearing everyone’s words, thoughts, stories, advice. That’s how I had hoped to continue for the first 3 – 4 months of 2020, with plans to return to the US in April or May.

COVID tossed a curveball, though, and has continued to do so. As a result, I ended up back in Rome the day before it shut down and stayed there for roughly 3 extra months, cancelling the rest of my visits to colleagues and friends in other countries with our organization, postponing a canoeing/camping trip in the Boundary Waters between Minnesota and Canada with two of my nephews and one of my sisters. I eventually got to the US mid-June, roughly a week after Italy “re-opened”.

Meanwhile, George Floyd had been killed and the US seemed to be erupting – finally – over systemic racism and injustices. So many of us, myself included, have been complacent over the years, even complicit through our complacency, by choosing not to be on top of things and as a result allowing our country to be what it was and not making powerful statements and demands for changes, and then following through on those demands with the work and commitment, even in small steps, needed to achieve the changes. The last four years of politics in the US, and in much of the world, has opened the eyes of many of us – at last – and pushed us to take action (marching, voting, running for office, talking, writing, getting angry, becoming aware….etc.) – realizing it doesn’t have to be the way it has been, even realizing and acknowledging that we all have a voice and need to use that voice.

Following a 2-week quarantine (to be on the safe side) upon my return to the US, I met briefly with my US “superior” with hopes to discuss future options, only to be told I should enjoy the rest of my sabbatical and we will talk about the future as the sabbatical draws to a close. I again adjusted my plans and decided the safest way to make the most of the sabbatical in a pandemic world where I didn’t want to fly, where most people are isolating, distancing and where many things are still closed, would be to rent a car, drive, camp and be outdoors as much as possible, especially when visiting loved ones with whom I hoped to have some time during the remainder of the sabbatical. Yet, I was completely prepared to accept precautions people were taking if they chose not to see me. 

second camp

"hidden" alpine lake

I usually feel closest to God when alone in the beautiful creation around us. A camping trip…a hike…looking up at the stars…being silent in God’s creation is easily a retreat for me. I don’t feel the need for a chapel or church, since the chapel or church is all around us, if we choose to see and feel it. I mentioned to my “superiors” that an extended camping/hiking trip often feels synonymous to a retreat for me, and it seemed some of them scoffed at that idea, leaving me with the impression that, in their eyes, a retreat can only take place if there is a human-made chapel structure and retreat center, time spent in meditation in a chapel, listening to and discussing with someone who is guiding the retreat, etc. A retreat like that can be profound and beneficial, I agree, and had been part of my original plan, but I don’t see it as possible or wise during a pandemic. I also don’t see it as superior to a silent journey through the chapel God gave us, i.e. the earth and the people we meet on the journey. It is just another way, meeting other needs. I still hope to have a guided, individual retreat at some point post-pandemic. It’s helpful to have that extra ear, that guidance, another perspective and the structure.   

 

However, my extended road trip, a mix of camping alone and seeing some family and loved ones along the way was a perfect blend of deep and thought-provoking discussions followed by time alone to think and reflect. Time in the car was a blend of landscapes that left me in wonder, thoughts, a range of music, NPR… Fox News and….Rush Limbaugh. I wanted to try to get an understanding of how and why…I wanted to be open to hearing what “the other side” thinks. I was surprised at how many religious stations there were in some places – and how Rush Limbaugh was on those stations. This angry, shouting, hate-filled man spreading fear, rejection, prejudice and hatred over the airwaves was difficult to listen to for very long, but I repeatedly tried. I ended up not being able to understand how any station purporting to be “Christian” and “religious” and about “God” would associate themselves with so much hatred and anger and prejudice.

I read an article while I was on the road that talked of a community in PA that was pro-Trump back in 2016. They felt he stood up for them and their values…that finally there was a politician who did that. They didn’t agree with his lifestyle and values, but they felt he had their back. What I can’t understand: if their values are so important to them, if they are strong in their beliefs, values and lifestyle, how can they be so afraid of people who are different? How is welcoming an immigrant a threat and not a way to live out their values? How is it a threat to have a Muslim or a person of another color in their community? If they are strong in their values, then, in my understanding, there shouldn’t be any threat – it’s not an "either my values/or your values" situation. Welcoming immigrants does not mean losing your values and culture – it could even mean enriching them. Two people of the same sex marrying each other does not threaten “traditional” marriage – the most traditional thing about marriage is two people sharing their love and committing to share their lives. The list could continue, but the point remains the same – not knowing about something is an opportunity to learn and to grow and to put into practice those “Christian” values so many people claim they have. Not knowing does not mean losing those Christian values. Saying “Black Lives Matter” does not mean other lives don’t matter or matter less – it means we recognize that for far too long, it is black lives that have mattered less in our society  - - and we are tired of it and angry about it, and angry at ourselves for allowing it to go on this long.

 

Saying we value our democracy and country does not mean blindly accepting the fear and hatred that comes from some of our leaders. It means being able to reflect on that hatred, think for ourselves and use our voices to call them out when their values do not represent what we are about, what we profess our lives, faith and values to be about, and are not what our country has been striving to achieve since before it was independent – and has not yet succeeded in achieving. Our country was founded upon the ideal that all people “are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” In the US, we all grow up knowing this line from the Declaration of Independence. Sadly, we have not succeeded in making that line a reality in our country.  

 

Fear, hatred, racism and prejudice are not the way to ever achieve that ideal.